Break-up: The Right Way
Haven’t we all asked ourselves this question? How to get over a break-up is not something we can answer simply, but there are some tips we can try to feel better and actually start moving on.
Ideally, a break up should be a decision taken by both partners, but sometimes we don’t notice things are going wrong and they take that decision for us; we are so mesmerized that we don’t fully understand what’s going on.
Psychologists often compare breakups with the stages of mourning, which honestly makes a lot of sense because we have lost something valuable for us. It may seem like the end of the world, but with a little inner work and time, we can heal ourselves.
Today, I would like to tell you some tips you can follow to get over a breakup. This is not a guide, we all have different experiences and points of view, but you will definitely have new tools to face this situation.
Yes, cry, feel lonely, sad, don’t leave your room the first days if don’t feel like it. Don’t force yourself to be happy or to pretend you are okay when you are not.
Maybe you don’t know exactly what you are feeling, or maybe you know exactly what it is. The best thing you can do the first days is to process your feelings. Learn from them, understand yourself better and from there, you start building acceptance.
With tough breakups, you may feel hurt and angry. Feel like screaming? Then scream. Feel like punching something? Do it (just try to punch something soft like a mattress or a pillow because, believe me, you don’t want to get physically hurt, you just want to drain your anger safely).
Talk About It
Once you understand better how you are feeling, you can translate your feelings into words.
Talking always makes us feel better because we get a feedback, and feedbacks help us see things through. So when your friends ask you out for a night, even if you don’t completely feel like going out, make a little effort and go.
They are there for you, especially in dark times like these. If you really can’t go out, try writing! Buy a notebook and write everything you are thinking about. Every word.
Maybe you come up with a nice poem or lyrics for a song in your head. The important deal is to get those words out of you to help you feel better and to see how much you progress with the time.
Researchers confirm that talking and writing are excellent tools to get over a break-up, they called it “redemptive narrative”, basically all you do is write about your relationship (how it started and moved on), then include the break-up part and give it a proper ending.
In the end, you will notice what came out wrong, what was your role in that relationship, if it was hurting you somehow or if you changed for the wrong reasons. It’s an introspective exercise to make you feel better.
This step should be considered after we have processed our feelings, otherwise, we just extend the mourn.
Go for a run, start that book you kept postponing, learn to cook, clean the house, watch a Netflix show. Start doing things that you enjoy so your mind stays focused on important things and less daydreaming about what happened.
It also proves that you don’t need to be thinking about the break-up all the time. And that you can actually move on with your life.
Keeping yourself busy also means doing new things, and if now and then the thought of your ex-pops up in your head, don’t panic. This is about slowly moving on, not about erasing them completely at once.
Do Not Hold Grudges
This one is a little hard, I know. If it was a tough break up, chances are you will resent your ex for a while, and that’s okay, but hating them forever? You should not do that.
Hating is exhausting if you see something on the street or a movie that slightly reminds you of your ex, don’t ruin the experience just because of that thought.
It’s completely fine if you do not want to know anything about them anymore, but constantly wishing them bad things or talking trash about them with everyone feeds your anger, it also turns you into an unpleasant company.
The best thing you can do is to focus on you moving on, not trying to understand why they did certain things, or that they will never find someone better than you. Closure depends on what you do to achieve it, not about answers that belong to others.
It may take you a while to understand how important this is, but one day you will pass by that restaurant you and your ex-used to visit often, and you won’t resent it anymore. And you will feel amazing.
Take Your Time
I understand if you believe that a break up is easier if you replace your ex with somebody new, but if you don’t take the time to do everything I just mentioned, you may be projecting feelings that belong to your ex into someone new.
That’s a problem because you don’t know how important this new person is going to be, and you may be damaging a potential new relationship because you didn’t heal well from the last one.
My recommendation is not to stop yourself from meeting new people but think it twice before jumping into a new relationship if you still haven’t got closure from the last one.
The closure does not mean forgetting about your ex nor kicking them out of your life forever, closure is about being at peace with your past, and understanding that ending that relationship was necessary.
And if you need to do some arrangements like stop following them on social networks, not talking to them or their friends anymore, perhaps even moving somewhere else to get that closure, then do it. But, again, rushing to take decisions like this without actually processing your feelings is a bad idea.
Healing from a break up is not easy; do not set a timer on this process, some people say you completely heal after a year or so, but it honestly depends on the inner work you do and how you manage your thoughts.
We create our own reality, so if our ex is constantly present, then our reality gets distorted. We keep taking wrong decisions and missing great things from our present that could have an impact in our future.
Take your time, feel whatever you need to heal, but never stay there. Take one step at the time and move on. Smile and be happy!
Image By: Snapwire